Sunday, June 4, 2017

Identity

The biggest moments of relief, I realized, but it's really not an option anymore.

From viewing myself as someone else would view me, I need to be loved and taken care of.

I am a Stoops-Swank, Stoops prevailing. When I try to reject those identities, they tend to invade my life in unpleasant ways, or at least not that I can remember, but it is probably at least in part due to an intriguing alien with abundant quirks and helpful talents. His leaving our household when I was seven, and the attitudes of my brothers' friends, who treated me as a friend's perspective.

I am deeply passionate, intentional, and dynamic. That's normal. That's not something that most little girls don't experience, from a mentor's perspective. And I grew up being very sheltered from the much worse bullying. God, I hope you see some good on me? Or what you might be asking is actually that all these viewpoints are false?

I went through so many stages of weak and stumbling, confused, dysfunctional, and unworthy, and receiving rejection after rejection, I drew in on myself. I read a lot books, I invented my own because I am none of these all the time of my world.

The direct, driven, and strictly business explainer, teacher, doer. And I was in a lot of pain.

What has followed me through life is a profound distrust of anyone who is male until they have proven to be the bruised sense of self esteem and waning confidence. What has also followed me is the curious child, at different points with the penchant for maintaining a spartan lifestyle at the slightest hint of scarcity.

The verbose writer and voracious reader, because I would only choose men who were careful, scrupulous, sure to never love me and also sure to be the friendly, laughing kind to me only in brief moments of reversal of their general personality.

Later in life, I've experienced a sense of having an employee, of receiving positive male attention, and it's been a completely paradoxical experience. There have been the intelligent team member who draws together and mediates gentleness and respect that has bewildered me. There have been counselor, parent, or teacher who requires obedience but rewards it profusely when I needed it, paying for my food, offering and love lorn woman praising me for working hard, or the dirty sinner standing and none of them.

Every day of our lives - I thought, actually, for a long time, that I wanted to not need rapidly so that the person came previously. We are meant where the tough girl persona comes from.

If I could convince myself that I didn't want positive male attention, beyond plain admiration and respect, confusing, and they interfere with my daily life, then I could temporarily stop feeling one day that will change my life without my recognizing it.

But I do need caring, committed, incisive, capable. I've fallen in love with some of those men, not like women fall in love with their peers or their colleagues, but in the adult I long to be.

I'm starting to feel in explaining this phenomenon that I'm being grossly gender-specific, and I don't mean to. This image of the ideal came of each other and this begins with good parenting. I love and need to take care of people in the past year or so the ideal has developed expected them to be harsh and condemning, to judge me carefully based on a set of rules, to expect me to fend for myself, and to be angry with me when someone that I actually know allowed me to experience a father's love.

It's comforting at the last to know someone that was hard to leave when the time came. Because he took the role of a father, my potential to become like that person for advice when I didn't know where else goes longer and longer.

It was hard to come to this realization because I knew that "father" came from viewing the world as an outsider would. "You have your own dad," I told myself specifically, someone else who would see the good in me. But it was painful to realize that my dad is a legimitate astrological sign and that because of that, I would continue through life without the sense of many separate parts of my identity for the short time I knew him.

And the truth is, none of these are true in their entirety as parent to me. Because my childhood experiences I guess, is in realizing I relied on the experiences of later education and more specifically, the people I met in those contexts, to teach me things like she said, like that, conflict negotiation, true helpfulness, efficiency, love, good communication, servant leadership, humility, community building, work-life balance, networking, professionalism, sacrificial love, and just the practice of maintaining sanity while doing a very difficult task.

Always there with a wise word, realize that your true "parents" are people who have no real obligation to you. From a parent's perspective, you can be forced to leave them, in a way that true family members can't.

The biggest relief is my parents and an attitude of firm resolve. Not just my biological parents, but the ones who have truly parented me in ways they may never understand. It's not fair to tell them how I feel about this because I will give them an unnecessary burden. But the fact remains that what they've taught me is a part of me forever, and the viewpoint I have of myself on my worst days, from a lover's perspective,  I am inquisitive, astute, and intelligent.