Tuesday, July 12, 2011

"I'm sorry"

I've been meaning to do this blog post for awhile, and everytime I or someone else says "I'm sorry" it reminds me that I was going to do it.

You know what, sometimes I really hate those two words. Or just 'sorry' by itself.

Does this conversation sound (painfully) familiar?

"What about your dad/mom?"

"He/she died when I was two."

-awkward waiting moment in which the audience predicts the next line and cringes-

"Oh. I'm sorry." (or even worse, "I'm so sorry")

It's just... things like that, that grate on me. The fact that we only have this one phrase to express a very deep emotion. And the fact that it can be tossed around and used as a lie so that when people actually want to say it sincerely, it means nothing.

(Just like "I love you," but that's another story)

Because no matter what it is, I never feel sincere, I never feel like I'm saying enough, I never feel like it's strong enough to say "I'm sorry," for whatever it is, whether it's something I did, or something that happened to someone else. Sometimes I even feel like replacing it with "I'm sad that that happened to you," but that sounds epicly weird and people would just be like ... "Whaa...?"

But really, it's not enough and it makes me frustrated. To the point that I don't 'express my condolences' when I want to just to avoid saying "I'm sorry."

This is sad, but along with "I love you" this is also true of "I'm praying" and even "Happy birthday."

It aggravates me so much that we can't find anything more creative or expressive or meaningful to say than that. And so I don't say anything. And it makes me feel kind of horrible.

How can I tell you how much I wish I could change what you're going through? How can I tell you how much I hate myself for what I did? How can I tell you how much I want you to forgive me but know I don't deserve it?

-frustration and annoyance-

I've already repeated myself several times, so I'm going to stop here. But I think things like this are the reason I'm a writer. Because I like to say things that have been said before in different ways. Because I get tired of normal words and not being able to say what I want to say.

GAR.