Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I'm a failure?

I get really annoyed when people say "I'm a failure," because really it's not true. Just because you fail doesn't make YOU a failure. God controls every life. So to say "I'm a failure" is to say that God failed just because you did. That's not how it works, I'm sorry. Failing isn't an excuse for not doing your best the next time.

So yeah, that was short. My brain is lazy right now. XD

Thursday, October 13, 2011

When you write a novel....

You learn a few things when you write a novel.

1) How to write a novel
2) Why you wrote a novel
3) That you're going to write another one

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

"I'm sorry"

I've been meaning to do this blog post for awhile, and everytime I or someone else says "I'm sorry" it reminds me that I was going to do it.

You know what, sometimes I really hate those two words. Or just 'sorry' by itself.

Does this conversation sound (painfully) familiar?

"What about your dad/mom?"

"He/she died when I was two."

-awkward waiting moment in which the audience predicts the next line and cringes-

"Oh. I'm sorry." (or even worse, "I'm so sorry")

It's just... things like that, that grate on me. The fact that we only have this one phrase to express a very deep emotion. And the fact that it can be tossed around and used as a lie so that when people actually want to say it sincerely, it means nothing.

(Just like "I love you," but that's another story)

Because no matter what it is, I never feel sincere, I never feel like I'm saying enough, I never feel like it's strong enough to say "I'm sorry," for whatever it is, whether it's something I did, or something that happened to someone else. Sometimes I even feel like replacing it with "I'm sad that that happened to you," but that sounds epicly weird and people would just be like ... "Whaa...?"

But really, it's not enough and it makes me frustrated. To the point that I don't 'express my condolences' when I want to just to avoid saying "I'm sorry."

This is sad, but along with "I love you" this is also true of "I'm praying" and even "Happy birthday."

It aggravates me so much that we can't find anything more creative or expressive or meaningful to say than that. And so I don't say anything. And it makes me feel kind of horrible.

How can I tell you how much I wish I could change what you're going through? How can I tell you how much I hate myself for what I did? How can I tell you how much I want you to forgive me but know I don't deserve it?

-frustration and annoyance-

I've already repeated myself several times, so I'm going to stop here. But I think things like this are the reason I'm a writer. Because I like to say things that have been said before in different ways. Because I get tired of normal words and not being able to say what I want to say.

GAR.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Dreams

I've always been fascinated by dreams. Some people say sleep is like a 'little death'. I kind of like that. I also think that what you dream about can reveal a lot about what you fear, what you long for, what you think about. Where you feel safe. Etc. Here are some things about dreams and me:

I often have dreams (and these are usually the ones that I get scared in most) of people chasing me. I hate being chased. It gives me such a paranoid feeling. Some people enjoy that (Kates =P), I do not.

Last night's dream was about the Garden. I'm pretty sure that's because I was telling my sister the whole story line before I went to sleep.

But anyway, I was unsure what to write next so I was thinking about it while I was trying to go to sleep. So this dream kind of gave me an answer, though being in dream form it was obviously not the clearest of answers.

Basically, it was me (as Rella I think, since she's the only one not confined at the moment =P) snooping in Headmistress' files. In the dream I felt extremely paranoid, especially considering there was only one door out of the room and if I saw her coming back I couldn't get away. I was, obviously, looking for the 'Garden' file which was green in my dream.

For some reason I brought along a bunch of my favorite books/notebooks (?) and then I found the file and stole it, but I forgot my books/notebooks and left them in the drawer.

So after I had looked in the folder (I remember what I saw there but that's a secret) I had to go take it back anyway. So the next time I saw Headmistress leaving her little office I snuck back in and I replaced the file, but I forgot that when I found it it was actually open on her desk or something, and then I put it back in the drawer and was trying to get my books/notebooks out but she was coming back, and at this point I realized that it wasn't actually supposed to be in the drawer but on the desk.

SO I tried to run out with just my books/notebooks but it didn't work because she just caught me and found out that I had seen her folder about the Garden.

So she was really mad but for some reason instead of locking me up in the Dark Room (so ominous) like she should have she just took one of my notebooks and ran away to her office and read it. I think she was trying to get revenge.

There were other parts involved in this dream like a helicopter ride to get there but I won't go into that =P

moving on:

I've had a few recurring dreams, some that I still remember distinctly even though I had them when I was pretty young

I have very strange flying dreams. One of the recurring dreams, and actually the one I remember the best of those, I know I had at least three times. It was me standing on the banister of the second story in our old house, standing on this banister above the staircase. And I was really afraid that I was going to fall (I'm really afraid of heights) but for some reason I knew (maybe the 2nd two times because I'd had the dream before? Dunno) that if I jumped I would be able to fly. So I was always really scared but eventually I did and then I'd be flying like Peter Pan and it was fun.

And then... the only other one I remember at the moment was when my friends were flying me like a kite. That was the weirdest I  can remember.

Have you ever hit the ground in a dream? It's really weird. I have several times (fear of heights again). It doesn't hurt obviously, but you hate it anyway because.... I don't know. It's really aggravating and frustrating, I guess because you still feel 'damaged' even if it didn't hurt? It's been awhile since I fell and hit the ground in a dream. I'll have to think about it more.

I like bad dreams better than good dreams. I usually have a lot more bad dreams anyway, usually pertaining to someone/something threatening my safety (there have been several about men with guns/knives outside my house/church) or something happening that I was afraid of happening.

Sometimes something has happened in real life after I had a bad dream about it, but it hasn't been a bad experience. See how much I worry about things? So much that it carries over into my dreams.

Anyway, I need to explain why I like bad dreams better than good dreams. Like most things with me, if it's all right in the end, I'm good. I hate waking up after a good dream and realizing all the good things that happened weren't real. But when I wake up from a bad dream it feels lovely to be at home, safe, etc. and usually the start of a new day. Just a little weird thing with me.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Rough Draft vs. Revising

There seems to be a great split among the writing community: Which is harder, rough drafting or revising? I hear a lot of people who just love to rant about how fun revising is how much they hate rough drafts. Mr. S says pretty much the same thing. Only... wait. I don't think he says revising is easy. Just that rough drafts are harder. If that makes sense.

Personally I don't agree.

I think I've already ranted once or twice here about how much I hate revising? Well..

I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE. REVISING.

Hate's a strong word? Yeah. It fits here.

I just don't understand why you would like it, at all. You have to take this hard work that you've slaved over for FOREVER (or if you're one of those really fast writers, not that long) and put your heart (which contains blood technically, so here it counts for blood) and sweat and tears into and... change it. And take out parts of it. And headache over it. And generally all around have MORE blood and sweat and tears over it.

I don't really enjoy that.

Also: I must have a really short attention span. It's hard for me to stay interested in the same BOOK for that long, for Pete's sake, let alone the same STORY that I have to write for the aforementioned FOREVER.

So if I have to go back to something I've already put a lot of time into, and then I have to go back to it again, and again, and again, hallelujah amen, then... that kind of gets... boring. And old. And discouraging.

Think about it. You just can't get it right, basically. Every time you change it you just have to go back, next draft, and change it AGAIN.

Rough drafting takes a lot more creative power. It takes a lot more getting to know your characters... but it's fresh. New. Exciting. Unknown. Unexplored. The story hasn't happened yet, even if you've plotted you have no idea what kind of a ride it's going to throw you around on, and you have that wonderful sensation of embarking on an adventure.

I don't really get that the second time around. Or the third. Or the fourth. Or the fifth. It kind of wears off after all. So does the intense fear of starting something new, which for me, is way less intimidating the first time than the second. That may sound strange, but I am WAY more intimidated by starting Draft II than Draft I. So far, Draft IIs I hate the most. Why? Because you have to change the STRUCTURE. Everything changes, basically. Things don't happen in the same order, or the same things don't happen, or the same charries aren't present, or something, and that changes how the charries view EVERYTHING.

Draft IIIs have not been as bad in my experience, and I am anticipating Draft IVs and Draft Vs to be even less horrible as long as I don't decide I need to make major plot changes.

(as an ending note aside from my 'hate rant', sorry to all you people that like revising better than rough drafting. and whoever first said that writing is a love/hate relationship, you are a genius)

Saturday, March 12, 2011

It's finished... sort of?

I wish I could make you this ecstatic post about how I just finished EDT/FW - II/ for the resto fyou boring people out there who don't know what either of those is, Forewarned - Draft II.

And if you still don't understand what I'm trying to say then I'm sorry but you're really lost.

Okay so the deal is, I was expecting to get to this point pretty soon. No, I am not done with Draft II. This is how I'm saying it: I'm done with the writing part of EDT. Or, I'm done with the hard part of EDT.

What I hope is the hard part anyway.

The ending got really lengthened and I started getting excited that it was one page over 200 pages (201 pages for you people who need hard numbers all the time, yagh at you). Then I realized it was before, but then I changed the formatting so that there are a lot more words on the page. So in the New Courier, double spaced, one inch margin (actually I think there might still be one in margins... it fluctuates) it's actually something like 270 pages? I don't know, I haven't checked. (surprisngly since I'm usually a freak about these thigns)

So yes, because I wrote the end of EDT I feel this accomplishment feeling that I finished it when in fact I still have a whole bunch of boring sentence structure edits to make before it's really done.

and cutting out anything that might need to be cut out which I'm afraid of o_o >.< O-O

BUT I have done all the creative-energy-needed part. So that's awesome. Laziness time! Yayyy!

Monday, March 7, 2011

I like writing sometimes...

So I have taken my friend Samii's advice (Cassandriva) and started the 750 word thing at this wonderful location. Its really fun... but since I'm doing draft II right now I haven't been writing my novel, I've been doing sketches of my charries pasts. Kittie got one and now September and March. Its a really interesting way to find things out about them and once you get into it you'll be surprised to see how fast it goes. The thing I find really fun about it though is seeing what it comes up with for your stats XD Because sometimes it's completely and totally OFF... <.<

Anyway, that's that, just wanted to spread the word there =) And point out that the stories page is up. o_o

The names of the fonts make me laugh...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Death

(note: originally when I tried to type the title of this post it was Dearth because of an obvious typo. For you word people out there who know that dearth is a word and you know its definition)

I like death. It's interesting. Probably because it's the one thing man can't control, and the ways they try sometimes just make me laugh. And laugh. And be mad.

Ray Bradbury said it best:
"...the dream of mankind has been to someday kill death..."
He says a lot of things best.

Anyway.

We are so afraid of dying. It's such a.... strange thing. The end of life. The end of our secure little place. People like to say that they believe they cease to exist after death, but to my way of thinking that's pretty stupid. I mean, what's the purpose of living if it's all going to just end one day? "Oh, you can make a difference in the world! Be green! Change somebody's life! Donate to charity!"

Really?

That's interesting, because all those people you changed and helped and made the world healthy for are just going to die someday too, leaving behind either no difference or another worthless difference that only benefits other people who are going to die leaving behind either no difference or another worthless difference that only benefits other people who are going to die leaving behind either no difference or another worthless difference that only benefits other people who are going to die leaving behind either no difference or another worthless difference that only benefits other people who are going to die leaving behind...

Can you tell I think about this a lot?

Yeah. Um, it's kind of important, unless you think the purpose of life is to just make yourself happy. It's a well known fact that just leaves you feeling empty, though I have yet to discover it for myself. Not sure I want to.

So what choices of belief does that leave us with? Not many. Just one I know of in fact.

I'll leave you to figure that out for yourself. =P